Video: I’m getting old / Makeup / Passing

Self Harm

I originally posted this on my old blog about 4 years ago, I had lost everything I posted… but recently found a notebook with half my posts in, it is still very current.

When you are in the deepest, darkest pits of depression and your coping resources have run dry, its difficult to know what to do to try to continue to cope. Your judgement will be completely clouded, and things which you previously thought to be an unthinkable option, suddenly seem like such a good idea.

In this situation, some people, myself included, turn to harming themselves as a way to release the pain. It can take many forms including cutting, scratching, pulling hair out or overdosing. Very few people on the “outside” understand what is happening if they find out. Many will brand it as attention seeking, most people will insist that you stop, this only leads to guilt and worsening the pain.

A lot of the time, self harm is far from attention seeking, it is something they are very ashamed of and will go out of their way to try to hide. Sometimes it may well be attention seeking, but not necessarily in a bad way, it can be a cry for help. When you are stuck in the pit, it is a very lonely place, talking to someone is a very hard thing to do, it is a way of showing that you are badly hurting on the inside.

Most people who self harm will completely deny that there is any element of attention seeking, this may be the case most of the time, but there will always be people that do. They should never be frowned at, they need a bit of love and attention. Maybe they don’t want to talk, but just be acknowledged. Even something as simple as a hug can go a long way.

The worst thing you can do to someone who self harms is to insist that they stop. The guilt can be far too high and can lead to them starting to bottle up their emotions, inevitably this will get to a point where they will just have a breakdown, possibly with far worse consequences. Just offer a listening ear, company if they want it. Make sure they are being safe, the majority of self harmers will have no intention of killing themselves, they are just releasing their inner pain.

I am not a doctor, I have made no in depth research into the subject. I talk from experience from being on both sides. I used to self harm regularly, I look back at what I did with so much regret, yet I fully understand what happened, and in the situation that I was in, it was the lesser of two evils. I had the guilt of people telling me to stop, that almost pushed me to suicide on several occasions. It was the friends that stuck by me throughout out that pulled me through one of my darkest times. I now have the scars as a constant reminder of the valley that I went through.

I’m not quite sure why I’m talking in the past tense, the problem hasn’t gone away. I rarely self harm these days, I’ve come a long way yet occasionally I will still slip up. I’m terrified that I will start to slip back down on a slippery slope and end up back to where I started. I am a much stronger person now to what I was then, but nobody can be 100% strong all of the time. If the fragile outer shell that I have get broken, then I’m screwed.

I hope this helps if you know or ever meet anybody who self harms. If you are reading this and you harm yourself, just remember that the other side of the valley is never that far away!

Video – From A to Me: My transition in photos.

Video: Ten things I love about my life right now

 

Video: Rain, Boobs and the ultimate getting up later tip!

I’m about due a video!

Emotional Day

Sorry for hardly posting, but I don’t want to be one of those people that post’s for the sake of it, I’ll only post when I have something to post about.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me, it was the day I was supposed to have my operation, if things would have happened according to the original plan. I really didn’t think that it would affect me that emotionally, but it did. I had so many “what if’s” going through my head… what if I would have had the operation, etc?

It was bound to happen to be fair, it was supposed to be one of the biggest days of my life, it was a day that I was planning so long for, a day that in theory would have completed the process. So why didn’t it happen?

There wasn’t a chance that I could go through with it if there was doubts in my head about if it was what I wanted. I’ve said before that I would *never* go back to being a man, and I stand by that. But, why should I have an operation to validate who I am? Doing thing’s like that has never been the way that I’ve lived my life, so why should it be any different?

Social norms tell us that if you are transsexual, you must transition, then have a big major operation to change the outer parts of your body. No, this is completely wrong! For some people, that may be the way that they wish to go, and so they should. But for others, we don’t feel the need to take such a drastic course of action… I want to lead my life the way that I want it, and I want to have my body the way that I want it, I will not be pressurised by “social norms” to do things that I don’t actually want to do, and nobody should ever have to feel that way.

I am so glad that I saw that there was an alternative, and that the alternative was possible, before I ended up making the biggest mistake of my life, on what would have been the biggest day of my life. Again, I’ve said before that right now, I’m happy as I am, very happy, and I don’t need to change that!

But I still can’t help but wonder, what if…?

Back to Blogging

Ay up! It’s been a while hasn’t it? The move threw me completely out of sync… but now I’m getting back in sync with my first blog from sunny Manchester!

The move went really well… almost too well! Just about settled in and I’ve resumed my usual antics of being out all the time! I haven’t completely abandoned Birmingham… still down there for a few days a few times a month… you lot don’t get rid of me that easily!

It’s a different life up here… bearing in mind that I’m from a little village near a little town… its a shock to the system! I can stay out late and still get home, this is completely awesome!

I was worried that I’d struggle to be motivated enough to work from home… but it’s working out really well as far as customers are concerned… I’m in the “Manchester office”

I have without a doubt made the right decision to come up here… I needed to properly get away from the midlands, to break that grip that it gets around you!

The most different thing however, its cold and people talk funny!

Anyway, just an update really so you all know that I’m not dead! Knocking together a video blog of the move that I’ll put up at some point! Much love to you all!

Places I’ve lived #2 – Catshill 2

I’m doing a series of posts, alongside anything I may normally post… Each week I’ll pick a new topic, and post 7 mini-blogs (1 each day) in relation to that topic. For this first week, its 7 things I’ve learnt about life.

This week I’m going to post the 7 places that I’ve lived, since I move house on Saturday!

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Places I’ve lived #1 – Catshill 2

Don’t worry… this isn’t just going to turn into a list of different places that I’ve lived in Catshill! Anyway, the second place was just around the corner at my Dad’s. Basically my brother had moved in with my Mom, and we really didn’t get on… so I made a quick exit!

This is where I really started becoming independent… my Dad worked long hours and would spend weeks on end in Spain. It’s also where I could start dabbling with the idea of being Jen (or Sarah as she was known at the time!), essentially its where it all started

Places I’ve lived #1 – Catshill

I’m doing a series of posts, alongside anything I may normally post… Each week I’ll pick a new topic, and post 7 mini-blogs (1 each day) in relation to that topic. For this first week, its 7 things I’ve learnt about life.

This week I’m going to post the 7 places that I’ve lived, since I move house on Saturday!

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Places I’ve lived #1 – Catshill

OK, so I’m skipping the first place that I lived, Yeovil. Yes I was born there, but I was only there for a very short time… technically if I’d stayed there, I would now be a farmer! I spent the first 16 years of my life in a single house in Catshill, which is in that town that nobody ever manages to leave.. Bromsgrove! I grew up with my family around me, until my parents got divorced when I was about 12, I stayed with my Mom while my Dad and brother got a new flat just around the corner. To be fair, it never really hit me at the time how much I missed having a proper “together” family… but it has hit me in recent years.

Since I grew up around here, the places “Lickey End” and “Bell End” don’t amuse me… I’m used to it since they are just around the corner! I’ve left so many times, yet I always end up coming back. But alas, my time in Catshill is drawing to a close and this chapter of my life is closing… my next step will be post #7. I won’t be staying away from the place though, probably going to be back here for 1 or 2 nights a week to do with work… see… its the place you can never really leave!

I moan about it, I slag it off, I try to get out of it… but lets face it, The Grove is actually fairly cool… where else can you experience the delights of the Golden, Love 2 Love and Charlies Kebabs, all within a quarter of a mile! And if that isn’t enough, you always have Redditch… don’t get me started on that place

 

Thing’s I’ve learnt #7 – You have to be a little bit selfish

I’m doing a series of posts, alongside anything I may normally post… Each week I’ll pick a new topic, and post 7 mini-blogs (1 each day) in relation to that topic. For this first week, its 7 things I’ve learnt about life.

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Things I’ve learnt #7
You have to be a little bit selfish

You could spend your entire life trying to please everyone else, but usually that’ll get you absolutely nowhere, apart from being used and taken advantage of. If you want to live a happy life, sometimes you have to have a moment where you just look after yourself.

It sounds like the most evil thing in the world, until you realise that everyone else is doing exactly the same thing.